It’s been far far too long since I stole a moment to write you a little life update! Now that I’m sitting in front of my keyboard, I don’t really know even where to start!
I’ve been a little spotty in my camming lately. Last month it was due to finally getting my impacted wisdom teeth out. You’ll see in the graphic below how they looked. They initially told me to expect to need 3-5 days of downtime, but due to the way my body healed, dry socket and complications with the dry socket treatment it was almost two weeks before I could open my mouth without pain and return to normal camming again. I caught up on netflix and tried to be patient but OMG am I glad to be healed! I was miserable. During that time 3 amazing members supported me by going lapdog (6000tk tip!) which .. just fucking blew my mind. I got so much love and support so.. thank you. I appreciated it.
Since then I’ve been camming but not as regularly as I liked. I got myself into a bit of a funk, if I’m being honest. A phobia related to weird textures that I’ve had since I was a young child began becoming more and more intrusive in my life and I ended up needing to seek therapy for it. I’m working on a very slow exposure therapy and so far it’s helping if just in making me feel like I’m not completely helpless to it. We also had some major flooding here! Google “New Orleans Flood” To check out just how underwater we were. Luckily I’m on the 4th floor so we didn’t flood but my area was underwater.
I also have another big phobia I’m tackling. Some of you may know I don’t drive. I’m turning 30 oct 4th of this year and I’m so done not being able to drive. This post is about to get a little personal, so .. here goes.
The driving thing. When I was growing up my great aunt donated a car to me to learn to drive on. Within a couple weeks, my older sister was fleeing an abusive marriage and desperately needed safe transportation for her and her children. I gave her my car and within a year or two I was moving to the USA and had no need of it. When I got to the US, learning to drive there was always my plan. It turned out it was not in my ex-husbands plan though. While he said he would teach me to drive, he’d end up making excuses, guilt tripping me and sometimes just flat refusing to teach me.
So I got my own car. I bought it with my savings and the loan was in my name. While all this was going on he was driving me everywhere in that little town, including being my only mode of transportation to friends houses, work, shops, anything. We lived way out in the countryside so without him I was stranded. He was also dealing with his own rage issues, which would come out at their worst when we were driving places together. He’d lock me in the car, smash the car into things.. threaten to drive us into lakes. One time I ended up getting out of the car as it was moving and he tried to back it over me.
All this bullshit gave me some serious anxiety just being in a car with another person, I always feel trapped and scared. I tried learning with a co-worker, as my marriage deterioated, learning on golf carts and then she let me drive her car for a bit. I also sat the test in arkansas secretly so my husband didn’t find out, and passed but as things went to hell with my marriage I never got any further with it as I had to leave in a hurry. He took the car, trashed it and then when I paid to have it transported back to me 2 yrs later he sent it back looking like he’d murdered someone in the back of it. It was totalled.
When I got out of that marriage (THANK YOU CAMMING for helping me do that) I moved in with my current partner, and he was super supportive of teaching me to drive. On one of my first practice sessions out in the countryside on the way to his mums house, I panicked and hit the gas instead of the brake. I nearly killed us both, and totalled the car.
So I haven’t been behind the wheel since, the very thought of it makes me panic for multiple reasons. But it also is something I’m not proud of, that i feel like this anxiety around being able to drive is holding me back and somehow ‘winning’ over me and my life. There have been times when it was very very necessary that I be able to drive. Catching and UBER to the ER with duke one time because he couldn’t drive made me realize it’s imperative that I know how to drive.
So with my 30th coming up I set myself this .. deadline goal. I’m going to drive to vegas to AEE this year. Duke will roadtrip with me, we’ll stop to see family and other camgirls along the way but I’ll be sharing in the driving on a roadtrip for the first time in my life. I can’t wait to do this, and I’m super super scared I’ll fail…. but I also know that if i don’t put this goal out there publically I won’t have anyone to hold me accountable.
I’ve been in therapy for several years for my anxiety disorder and my therapist is being super helpful in helping me mentally prepare to face this huge goal. Honestly, I’ve been trying to write this post for about 2 weeks and I’ve only called one school… 😛 (In my state you need to attend a driving school with an instructor to get your license)
So.. the plan is:
-Monday – Call the driving schools and find one with a female instructor and get registered for classes. Please feel free to remind me about this it needs to be my top priority Monday morning.
-Raise the money for the classes ASAP. They all seem to be between $400-$500
– Keep doing my exercises
-Learn to drive. Fuck my phobias in the ass.
-Pass the test.
-Roadtrip to vegas in Jan!
I have a racing game we’ll be playing on cam which I’ll have details up about very soon and everything will be car themed till the end of August. The goal is to raise the money for the classes but also honestly just to give me a bit of moral support. The more people I can get in my corner on this the better.
Sorry I know that was long..and stuff. Here’s a sexy car pic for reading this far.
WANN KNOW ABOUT SOMETHING WAY WAY SEXIER?
I’ve recently had the opportunity to hang out with the amazing ZeaKendall! We got together on Wednesday and shot 4 incredible videos that we’ll be editing and posting for sale soon. Here’s a sneak preview of what you can expect!
I also have a really exciting few days on cam coming up! XFuukaX is coming to visit me! If you haven’t already met her she’s a pretty incredible clip maker, camgirl on mfc and I’ve been lusting after for..ever!
Find her here: https://twitter.com/xXxFuukaxXx
She’ll be visiting Sept 15th and leaving on the 20th! We’ll have camtimes posted closer to the dates but we’re both evening cammers!
Do you remember the Fresh Face Contest? If you’ve been visiting me for less than a year you might be new to this! Every year I run a contest where YOU GUYS get to pick your fav new model and I fly her to visit me in New Orleans (or this year she can ask me to take her to AEE in Vegas!). It’s a contest for new models with 3k or under camscores – specifically to help get exposure for girls that are still finding their feet on MFC. You can read all about it HERE including how you can help fill prize boxes for the 5 runners up and the winner!
Sign ups open tomorrow! The contest keeps me pretty busy as I try to make myself available to offer as much support as possible to the ladies. Please make sure you follow them all and support them as much as you can. It is not easy getting started on MFC!
That’s everything for now!
I was super SUPER scared to write this post, especailly everything about learning to drive stuff. I thought about not getting into the details of my phobia and where it all comes to but I feel like sharing makes it easier for me to get through it. Please keep your support positive, don’t scare me with horror stories and cheer me on as much as you can. I appreicate you guys so much.